Graduwhat? What a degree really gave me...

The past 4 1/2 years or so has been full and wonderful and very challenging.  Filled with hope and longing, excitement and defeat. 

When I first decided to go to school I wanted to be a doctor. I shadowed a doctor and a nurse midwife and it was quickly made clear to me that the approach of nursing was a perfect fit and so different from the medical profession.  So...I signed up with the intent of being a nurse practitioner...I started with my prerequisites and spent my nights nursing babies while studying microbiology and hoping to complete projects prior to the 2 o'clock (in the morning) hour.  I memorized bones, muscles, microscopic tissue and cell structures and tested to get into nursing school.  My husband's company all but closed at the end of 2008 laying him off without notice and shortly thereafter we found out we were expecting our 3rd baby...and so we moved to the only place we could find a steady job and prayed for an opportunity to come back..and continued school. Nearly a year later and 2 weeks after L was born, I wrote my final paper for the semester with a newborn in my lap while my husband cleaned carpets in preparation for our move back to Colorado. I entered the school of nursing as my Dad was diagnosed with cancer.  I can remember sitting in my fundamentals class holding back tears as we talked about death, dying and personal knowing....wondering what the future held for our family and whether I could do this job well. We took another semester off when Sullivan arrived a little early and had some complications. And now...here we are. When I started school Evelyn was 4 months old..she turned 5 this Spring :).

Throughout the journey, I stressed about whether I could be a good wife and mother, keep my priorities in their appropriate places and still excel in school.   I felt the judgment of others related to where my time was spent and felt the pressure others sometimes felt that they should be doing more in life.  I tried to balance friendships and regularly failed to attend important events, remember birthdays and be present when a good friend would have been...and I grieved those moments.  I felt guilty for not sending thank-you notes after kid birthdays and hated finding the ones I actually wrote and didn't mail...6 months after the fact. I had to remind myself that I am only one person and my children have often heard me say "I am one mommy with two hands and I can only do what my two hands will let me do....you will have to wait."  I've wondered about whether the timing of this journey was wise...or foolish...and whether the burden our family has carried was worthwhile.

I have felt the grace of God fill our home...I have learned that sometimes a messy house gives friends that visit permission to be imperfect.  I've learned about what matters because what matters is pretty much all I had time for.  I've restructured my priorities and have decided imperfection is good for humanity and the charade of constant happiness is worthless, however, choosing joy and contentment has immeasurable value.

My clinical rotations had less than desirable moments and some that were life-changing for me.  I have seen people die...and be resuscitated...I've witnessed traumas and have been present with little ones who were abused and had no visitors and others who not expected to survive.  I pray for my patients...sometimes bedside and sometimes alone. It is the only way I can care for them fully...in the places only the Lord can reach. I prayed the same blessing over them that I pray over my own children every day...."May the Lord bless and keep you, make His face to shine upon you...place His countenance around about you and grant you peace both now and always."

I have learned how much more I love my husband than I ever realized.  My husband has served me and our children without ceasing during this journey.  He has made dinner when I was not home...tucked kids in when I had night time clinicals....fed bottles of breast milk to our littlest when I was srambling to finish a project I hadn't had adequate time for.  He has encouraged me, teased me, kept me laughing, supported me and without complaint...ok..maybe one or two complaints ;).  I love him. Years ago (almost 9 years ago) people threw fits, I lost friends and there was major family upheaval over the fact that I was marrying this man I had known a short time.  I KNEW he was "the one" and he always will be "the only".  Our story is romantic and wonderful and I love the adventure of our lives.

What is next?? I guess you could say it remains to be seen....AKA: I have no idea.  I am planning to take a break and just be mom and wife for a while...take the NCLEX and reevaluate. I think a few extra date nights are in order, too :).

In some ways it's anti-climactic and in others it's a little overwhelming to reflect on the grace given me in this season and all I've learned.  This degree isn't just about nursing...it's about character, strength and a reminder that we can truly do anything we set out to do if we're willing to put in the work. Graduation...hard to believe. :)