Too short...too tall...too busy...too fat...too small...

...It's quiet for a little bit which means my mind has had a chance to consider some things that have popped in and out of my thought process over the past few weeks...

For the time being I'm not taking any classes. I haven't done this in about 3 years. In the past 3 years we have sold a home, moved to the east coast and back twice due to company closures, etc. lost family members, welcomed a baby and are expecting another, I've completed 3 years of college, and we've walked through cancer and chemotherapy with my Dad. Those are the big things that stick out at the moment. So...as you can imagine, it's been a while since I've really had time to think, to invest in relationships, to interact with many more people than my husband and my children.

Now I have all summer and fall to be home with no classes! At first it was strangely uncomfortable being home. I had lots to do but still I felt as though I wasn't doing much. While it has been a lot of work, this has not been the difficult part of this journey...not the schedules, not being up with sick kids the night before a test or even the many hospital and house visits during the sickest of my Dad's chemo days.

For me, it has been most difficult and debilitating to feel the pressure of the judgment of others. "You're amazing." "You're crazy" "You're a great mom" "Do you ever see your kids?" "Wow, you're pregnant again??" and all that falls between are comments I've heard related to kids, school, pregnancy, moving, you name it. Sadly, many times I have looked for affirmation and security in how I measure up to those around me and in their opinion of me...what are other moms doing? How are their families functioning and do their children thrive? Am I too busy? Should I be home more? Lots of lost sleep...and lots of lost joy over these and other related ponderings.

And now that I am home all the time I find myself in a similar position wondering similar thoughts. I sometimes wonder about the judgment of others, their opinions and whether I measure up? Do they think I'm crazy for working out so much this far into my pregnancy or am I really not working hard enough? Are we sending our daughter to the right school? Should I home school like my friends? Do I look like the sloppy pregnant girl I feel like some days? Should I be more_____ (fill in the blank) or less_____??

Really the situations are worlds apart but the heart is the same. I have reminded myself many times of the verse:

"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise." -2 Corinthians 10:12

It's human nature to look around and find our worth in how we measure up to others. What a simple and destructive lie.

It seems such a simple lesson and here I am, at 30, reminding myself of all the reasons I should never compare myself to others. It destroys my ability to truly love because when I compare myself I selfishly size up others' abilities, gifts, talents and status in order to gain security...it destroys my ability to be a good friend, it destroys my trust that God has made me with every thing I need in order to play a role in accomplishing His perfect purpose on the earth and that this task, accomplishing His purposes, is the single thing of worth I have to truly give myself to in this life.

When we stop comparing ourselves to those around us there is such a sweet sense of freedom and the lightness of a clean conscience. There's more room for pondering things that matter and extra space for loving those around us. On the flip side, when we no longer compare others to our standard of living, doing, driving, socializing, parenting, etc. We are free to love them where they are in their own lives and also free to not feel belittled when we have the luxury of knowing someone who has a better way of doing things that we can learn from!

Perhaps you've already made this journey...maybe this isn't one of your hangups or something you've seen in yourself but for me it has been. I didn't even realize it for the longest time. :) I guess age and time bring good perspective! I can only imagine what the next 10 years will reveal.

I am so glad for the grace of the Lord in my life, gently leading me. And for the reminders he gives along the way of his love.

With that in mind...I hear little yawns from the next room...my pondering time is over :)

Thea

Slow blog...or no blog

I've become a worse and worse blogger over time!! I guess more inconsistent is more like it. You'd think with school out and summer fun on my plate I'd be able to eek out a little blog time!!! Trouble is, my inspiration to write is a little more involved than blogland allows for...that and all the friends who used to read my blog regularly don't check it so much because there's really not much to check :) Sorry!!

I hope you're all having a great summer. We sure are! Here's the "Top 10 things (I can think of right now) happening in the Smith household" update:

1 - We're having a baby....I'm so ready to meet him but not sure I'm ready to have a newborn in the casa just yet. I'm sure his arrival will be perfect timing :)

2 - Liv starts kindergarten in 3 1/2 weeks...she is incredibly excited...I'm excited too, and a little sad. It's only half days 4 days a week and I think I can handle that. I know she'll do so well and the school she's attending is fabulous which makes me even more excited for her :)

3 - Levi is walking, talking and fearless...the boy will climb up, down or on anything and he is just as precious as he can possibly be...full of cuddles, "wub u's" and giggles. He is a delight and we are loving this stage. I know the long trend has been "terrible two's" but I loooove 1 1/2 - 3 years....I think about 3 is where the light switch has flipped with the girls and things got a little crazy for a bit...maybe it will be different with the boys. Fave phrases include (translated): "Hey dude!" "Read a book" "Hold me....hold me....hooooolllddd mmeeee" "Hello" "Come on!" "Ni-night" and "Plie" ...yes, he does a plie and likes to say it when he does the plie...his sisters took ballet and have roped him into pretend ballet school :)

4 - Eric is doing great at work and we are so blessed for him working for a great company. His hard work is evident in his successes. Love him. :)

5 - We don't have a name for our baby...we don't even have a short list...we live on different name planets when it comes to boys , lol.

6 - I heart Zumba. My endurance is shrinking but I really enjoy it - it boosts my mood, I feel better when I work out and I know the benefits to my body are wonderful so I'm trying to hang in there until I simply can't do it anymore...then I'll take to the pool. A God-send to women in the third trimester.

7 - Evelyn is perfect. Ok not totally 100% all the time but really - just the most precious girl. Her newest bedtime request is "looots of kisses" "Mommy give me lots of kisses...." "No, lots and lots" followed by "Mommy lots of eskimos" "Mommy lots of butterfly kisses on my nose....now let me do your nose!" It's a long tucking-in but I'm eating it up. I know it won't last forever :) She's pretty excited about the baby in my belly and no matter how many times we discuss it or she asks how the baby will come out of my belly she is convinced the belly button is his exit. Works for me.

8 - Date night is tonight. I loooove date night. Can't wait to talk, sit quietly together, people watch and laugh. I love our time together.

9 - I have rediscovered a love for apples and almond butter - so yummy.

10 - My house is clean. Well...it was super duper clean this morning and last night. Then we woke up and then our little ones woke up :) ....but in general, clean.

Have a lovely weekend...I'll be blogging again soon!
Thea