...It's quiet for a little bit which means my mind has had a chance to consider some things that have popped in and out of my thought process over the past few weeks...
For the time being I'm not taking any classes. I haven't done this in about 3 years. In the past 3 years we have sold a home, moved to the east coast and back twice due to company closures, etc. lost family members, welcomed a baby and are expecting another, I've completed 3 years of college, and we've walked through cancer and chemotherapy with my Dad. Those are the big things that stick out at the moment. So...as you can imagine, it's been a while since I've really had time to think, to invest in relationships, to interact with many more people than my husband and my children.
Now I have all summer and fall to be home with no classes! At first it was strangely uncomfortable being home. I had lots to do but still I felt as though I wasn't doing much. While it has been a lot of work, this has not been the difficult part of this journey...not the schedules, not being up with sick kids the night before a test or even the many hospital and house visits during the sickest of my Dad's chemo days.
For me, it has been most difficult and debilitating to feel the pressure of the judgment of others. "You're amazing." "You're crazy" "You're a great mom" "Do you ever see your kids?" "Wow, you're pregnant again??" and all that falls between are comments I've heard related to kids, school, pregnancy, moving, you name it. Sadly, many times I have looked for affirmation and security in how I measure up to those around me and in their opinion of me...what are other moms doing? How are their families functioning and do their children thrive? Am I too busy? Should I be home more? Lots of lost sleep...and lots of lost joy over these and other related ponderings.
And now that I am home all the time I find myself in a similar position wondering similar thoughts. I sometimes wonder about the judgment of others, their opinions and whether I measure up? Do they think I'm crazy for working out so much this far into my pregnancy or am I really not working hard enough? Are we sending our daughter to the right school? Should I home school like my friends? Do I look like the sloppy pregnant girl I feel like some days? Should I be more_____ (fill in the blank) or less_____??
Really the situations are worlds apart but the heart is the same. I have reminded myself many times of the verse:
"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise." -2 Corinthians 10:12
It's human nature to look around and find our worth in how we measure up to others. What a simple and destructive lie.
It seems such a simple lesson and here I am, at 30, reminding myself of all the reasons I should never compare myself to others. It destroys my ability to truly love because when I compare myself I selfishly size up others' abilities, gifts, talents and status in order to gain security...it destroys my ability to be a good friend, it destroys my trust that God has made me with every thing I need in order to play a role in accomplishing His perfect purpose on the earth and that this task, accomplishing His purposes, is the single thing of worth I have to truly give myself to in this life.
When we stop comparing ourselves to those around us there is such a sweet sense of freedom and the lightness of a clean conscience. There's more room for pondering things that matter and extra space for loving those around us. On the flip side, when we no longer compare others to our standard of living, doing, driving, socializing, parenting, etc. We are free to love them where they are in their own lives and also free to not feel belittled when we have the luxury of knowing someone who has a better way of doing things that we can learn from!
Perhaps you've already made this journey...maybe this isn't one of your hangups or something you've seen in yourself but for me it has been. I didn't even realize it for the longest time. :) I guess age and time bring good perspective! I can only imagine what the next 10 years will reveal.
I am so glad for the grace of the Lord in my life, gently leading me. And for the reminders he gives along the way of his love.
With that in mind...I hear little yawns from the next room...my pondering time is over :)
Thea
2 comments:
Right there with ya. I've actually been wondering if this is just part of being in my 30's?
I have been finding myself happy to stay home, do our routine and little else. This is completely bizarre for me, so for the most part I've been indulging my desire to do that - I figure it is definitely NOT a selfish thing since the selfish me would never do it. ;) But I've been surprised at the amount of criticism (real or imagined) that I've felt over it. I'm not as available to hang out with friends outside of my husband. That feels right to me, but it seems to irritate people.
I've also noticed that people who wrestle with their marriages tend to have a stronger reaction to me staying home all the time, I assume because they don't have their friendship needs met within their marriage?
Anyway, rambling. But I agree with you. All we can do is what God is calling us do, and as much as we can do - whether that's right in other people's eyes or not! And I continually hope for grace and understanding from the people around me, as I attempt to give those TO the people around me. :)
Wow - I'm really surprised at the comments and emails and texts I've received...I am beginning to think many many women...and probably men, too, face this - which is probably why it's mentioned in the Bible several times!! Isn't it interesting how the lessons we come back to at various times in life are the most simple?? And the most simple tend to be the most profound. I'm glad that I'm still learning...life being perfect must be boring!! :) Thanks for sharing, Sara :)
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