Cancer sucks

Have you ever met my dad? He's fun...funny...all about his family. Committed...hard working. He has a great laugh and the lines in his cheeks when he smiles (like a real smile) make his smile contagious. Everyone loves him.

This is a post I don't want to write...not sure how to write...and am too tired to write. Still, somehow, writing gives me some peace since I can sort through thoughts and articulate them in a way that I can leave them on the page and relax.

Today I woke up to the sounds of kids talking in their bedroom and Eric getting ready for work...a normal day. I had homework, a few tests and a lab to complete which felt a little impossible. I knew Dad was having a colonoscopy this morning; something he wasn't fond of and has been putting off for a while after years of stomach problems and pain. The past few days it has occurred to me "what if he has cancer?" and I dismissed it really thinking it couldn't be...but it kept coming up and there has been a part of me that was expecting it. I felt guilty for 'expecting' it and set it all aside.

This afternoon I ran upstairs to grab my phone and computer so I could study for a test. I saw that I had a voice mail and immediately I knew. I didn't want to check the message or see who had called...I knew it was from mom.

I dialed and listened and it was too uninformative of a voice mail to not be bad...she doesn't usually leave messages just for the sake of saying nothing...after a few texts we finally got on the phone...

"What'd the doctor say?"

"They found a tumor...it's cancer"

"I don't know why...but I knew it"

"Me too"

What do you say??? How do you respond?? How do you soak it in?? How do you get on the phone without hysterically crying? So many questions and so few answers. Dad got in the car with mom and I heard him in the background making jokes and complaining about the procedure...he said if he had chemo and lost his hair he'd be devastated lol (for those who don't know...he's bald ;) ) still, he has promised to tattoo green eyebrows if those go too. I'd venture to guess he doesn't remember telling me that thanks to the medications from the colonoscopy :). The conversation, all in all, was light hearted. I hung up feeling ill.

Colon cancer. Cancer. Cancer of the colon. Surgery. Tumor. Chemo. How do these words relate to our lives now?? I feel angry...at cancer. Angry at the situation. Broken hearted....for my mom, for my dad, my brother...for myself. While I understand that cancer is not a death sentence I also understand it can be uncertain. I can't control it....I can't talk to it, reason with it or make deals with it. I hate that.

My mind feels like it has been racing today - filtering through all the scriptures I know, playing through scenarios, praying for wisdom, grace, healing and mercy...looking at this situation as though it were a movie and not a part of the story that is my family.

Still, aside from all that. I love my family. I deeply love my father...I am his girl...the only one. He has a wife and 1 daughter...and I'm so glad it's me. We're a tight family...things are nuts and we annoy eachother and our lifestyles vary greatly but in the thick of it...when the poop hits the fan...we are always there for eachother. This will be the same - we will laugh, cry and walk together through this journey and the ones that follow.

I called dad back tonight. I didn't have a reason except that it bothered me that I was light hearted with him instead of telling him that I was scared and concerned...that I love him...and that he's not allowed to pretend to be superman all the time. It was a hard but special honest conversation. I didn't have anything to say...I just wanted to talk and be near him. I assured him I was not "all wrapped around the axle" - this is his way of saying 'don't freak out and lose it'. :)

Please pray for us. Nobody wants to walk through this but I am determined to do it well and if anyone walk through this and come out on the other end with some awesome stories to tell - Dad can. He is, after all, stronger than your dad...he can beat up your dad...he can beat up cancer...he loves Jesus and he is Irish. I don't know if there is really a better combo. Cancer sucks...but we will get through this.

Step 1...remove part of his colon tomorrow...and get more information. We don't know what time surgery will be. Probably early -mid afternoon.

Thea