It never quite comes out like this...

From the time I was a young girl I have always found writing letters to others gives me the space, time and thoughtfulness to phrase things most closely to the way I feel them. Rarely do my thoughts come out of my mouth in real life the way I wish they would. The eloquence dissipates as the busyness of the day rolls on. :)

When I was little I'd write love notes to my mom and dad, grandparents, etc. There was the annual "thank you" notes I'd have to write for Christmas before playing with toys and of course my tween year journals which later became teen year journals and then I wised up and stop putting it all on paper although most of it, to be honest, would have been quite boring for someone to read. My sense of adventure as a teenager came in the form of fruity tights (I know...daring) or sometimes being up late eating Wendy's and talking with girlfriends.

As I grew I wrote letters to my future husband and children and in pregnancy I have written letters to my babies as well as to my husband. I guess it sort of feels like insurance that when I am not so good at expressing my heart in the way I intend, it's at least written somewhere and God, if no one else, sees it.

So, without further ado....

Dear three little smiths...

Life has become increasingly busy, hasn't it? Between Daddy's work, Mommy's going to school and all that our daily life entails it often feels as though there is hardly time to breathe between activities. Daily I wonder whether you have all you need to thrive, I question myself about whether you need more one-on-one time with me or Daddy, whether I'm challenging you to learn and grow, whether you understand our talks about Jesus living in your heart and what else I can do to help you as you embark on the wonderful journey of childhood. I sometimes feel guilty for studying so much and sometimes I feel guilty that my patience is easily expended when I am tired. I wonder how I should communicate my love to you in discipline and whether my efforts at consistency are effective, too lax or too harsh. More than anything all of this second-guessing is because I love you so very much.

O, you are so smart, so spunky and such a loving older sister. Your tenderness with Levi and anyone who isn't feeling well touches my heart. Your prayers are precious and your laughter is contagious. I can't tell you how many times we've disciplined you that your laughter has "ruined" the discipline :)

E, your tender heart softens me. I love the things you say and your big blue eyes. You are a big bundle of love, hugs and butterfly kisses and your spunk never ceases to surprise me. I think you have inherited a bit of your sister's spiritedness :).

L, I am still getting to know you. You're 12 weeks old and nearly 3 months and I can hardly believe it. I'm proud of your precious chubby baby body and the fact that it came straight from me! I love snuggling with you at night and am trying to slowly convince myself to make you sleep in your crib so you can develop good sleep habits although it's hard to make that transition because the past 3 months of nighttime snuggles has gone all too quickly. I wonder what you will be like as a man and imagine all the wonderful things you will do with Daddy..."boy things" :). Hunting and sports, hiking in the mountains and talking about important things only Daddys can really teach. I wonder what talents the Lord has given you and how you'll use them.

I love you all so very much and more than anything I want you to know that this life isn't necessarily about comfort, happiness or entertainment..it's not even about success. It's about Jesus, people and eternity. If I can teach you that and watch you learn to love Jesus in the process, more than anything else, I will have succeeded as a mommy. When life feels hard, this is what keeps me going.

Mommy