They say when it rains...it pours. It's been hailing over here I think. :). We have met with specialists and learned that I have no identifiable issues to cause the loss of our baby...we received the pathology report showing no identifiable concerns with the placenta or baby that would have caused a loss....we received the chromosomal report revealing a completely normal baby...a completely normal baby girl. We thought we had lost David Benjamin...and in reality at 14 weeks it was a reach to say for certain he was a boy although the doc felt pretty confident about it. I had believed in my heart from the beginning that this babe was a girl...and questioned the doctor's opinion in conversations with my husband and mother since then. So far...I'm 5 for 5 :).
When we heard the news we cried...and ached a little deeper. Our minds had fixed on a little boy...imagining reunion with our sweet boy...and what his big wonderful eyes must look like...and now we are reworking our thoughts and loss and imagining what we have lost with our sweet girl.
It's sort of like starting over...saying good-bye again and truthfully I will feel like I am holding my breath until her burial. Until her body is truly at rest I have a hard time not thinking about her little earthen shell stored away in a box at the hospital...and reminding myself she isn't really there in that tiny body anyway. My imagination is being reframed while I wonder what color her eyes were ...whether they are blazing blue like my sweet Evelyn or soft and brown like my precious Olivia. I imagine her lovely blonde hair..so soft...and her sweet cheeks and long lashes. I cannot wait to hold her...see her...tell her how we love her...and how grateful we are for her life. Of course we cannot call her David...Davida? ...not so much :).
In keeping with the meaning of the name...we've decided to call her Aimee which means "loved"...Aimee Noelle as we expected her around Christmas time.
I still ache...and I imagine I always will have this longing in my heart. It's true that God has put eternity in the hearts of men (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
She is forever a part of me...a part of us...a part of our family. It seems odd and honestly when I have miscarried in the past it has been so different. Delivering...holding...seeing...touching the baby who did not breathe this side of Heaven is so different. I could never have understood this without walking this road. Not a road I would have chosen. She has changed me...forced me to dig deep...to search the depths of my heart and my faith. Do I really trust that though we live in an imperfect world where "moth and rust destroy"....that He is faithful...just...compassionate...and good? Do I trust him with my sweet girl while I cannot be near her? It is becoming more and more evident to me how very little control we really have anyway. I cannot make her grow...I cannot knit her together in my womb...only the hand of God can do that. I can't know the answer to "why"...and really I don't know that I need to. It changes nothing.Today, I am just grateful. Today is what I have in my hands...and I am very simply grateful. I'm grateful for my children...grateful for my husband...grateful for my family and friends who are so near and dear. I'm thankful for a home and good schools and my heart overflows to know that in the morning the sun will rise on a home filled with the laughter of children and the loudness of sibling teasing much too early for my pre-coffee mommy ears :). I am grateful, I am choosing to be grateful,...and for this moment, that is enough.
3 comments:
Oh friend. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry that you have to feel the pain all over again. My heart aches so much for you. I really don't understand why, when things are so hard, it has to rain even harder. When your heart cannot bear anymore, more you must bear. I know your burden is heavy friend, and it's so hard to carry. I pray that you can release it, that you will have peace, that your hearts can heal. My friend a few years ago lost her 5 year old daughter to an asthma attack and she described how it felt like an amputation. The wound heals, doesn't hurt as much anymore but no matter what you always know it's missing. I know you'll always think of Amiee and imagine what it would be like to have her there in a family photo shoot or at Disney World, that your thoughts will always go there and I'm so heart sore that you have to carry that all your life but I just know that when you are welcomed into heaven as if it couldnt be any sweeter she will be there waiting for you. That you will embrace her and hold her in a world where there is no pain and sorrow. I don't know how heaven works but I know it's more wonderful than anything on earth so maybe you missed those years of baby snuggles and toddler kisses but in heaven it will be even better than that! It's hard to imagine but I know it's true. Maybe in one moment of an embrace you will be able to experience it all in a moment that feels like a life time. That's as much as my limited mind can fathom so I know it will be even better than that! For now though when this life and it's brokenness bears down on you I pray that the Lord can carry you, release you from the wrenching pain, and give you peace. I declare sunshine and rainbows of promise over you, that the storm will cease, and that from all that rain water a new garden of blessings will grow! I love you so much and you are on my mind constantly. I will keep praying for you friend.
Thank you for your heartfelt words Irene. You're a sweet friend.
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