The trusting part...

One of the hardest moments I've experienced in this whole loss has been giving Aimee back to the nurse for the last time.  I was a little foggy from anesthesia and whatever else was given to me but I was very present in the moment.  I had asked them to bring her back to us 3 or 4 times because I needed to see her, be near her...touch...inspect...remember.  The last time I gave her back I knew very well she could not go home with me and that what was done...was truly done.  There was no prayer to bring her back to life...no miracle to ask for here.

I felt so afraid about how they would treat her body...whether they would handle her as my baby or handle her as waste.  My sweet nurse reassured me without my questioning that in this Catholic hospital life is respected and honored and each baby is treated with the utmost care.  Of course despite my wishes there was no way for me to insure this would happen (...don't think I'm joking...I would be the crazy Mommy who was present to carry my baby from our room to the fetal demise room and on to the morgue and back up for burial but this was not possible).  I prayed over her and considered leaving a note attached to her blanket and the box she would be in that said  

"This is Aimee Noelle...she is not just a miscarried fetus...she is my baby 

and today she was held and loved and grieved...please treat her with care and respect. 

Thank you for taking care of my sweet baby." 

I refrained....I know her body is simply a body.  I have described to our children that when people die it's simply because their body stops working correctly...then they leave that body here because they don't need it and go to be with the Lord where we will all get a new body that is better. They were satisfied with this answer. I'm not satisfied with that answer...

In my humanity I sometimes find myself lost in earthly ponderings...who is holding Aimee? Is she motherless? Why does someone else get to be the one to hold her? Is she happy? Does she know she is without us? Does she know she was ever being knit together within me? Does she stay a baby? Will her new body be older and more grown up? Does time apply? I wish I could see her...for only a second...see her safe and know "where" she is...and that she is well.  I wish I could send her a love letter to say she is not forgotten and never will be...that she holds her own place in our family, within our children's hearts and within mine and her Daddy's.

There is much I do not know...and so I settle on what I do know and then I make breakfast and remember the laundry and the day-to-day and try not to get too lost in this process. The day goes by and night falls...and then I am left with my thoughts and ponderings again

I find comfort and peace in knowing a few things that I do not question:
1) God is God.  So even if I don't agree or understand or know the details about why things are the way they are...I cannot change the fact that the evidence about his existence and sovereignty is inescapable.
2) I believe He is good and He is truth and love.  In him there is no darkness....and this means Aimee is surrounded by love and light in its purest form.
3) I believe he can be trusted.  He has done much more than simply be trustworthy.  I never was in control to begin with.  I did not knit my children together within my own womb....and I cannot bring Aimee back.  God was and still is in control.  If anything I need to learn to leave my other children at His feet as well. Doing my part and doing my best and relying on God to reach where I cannot.

He gives grace..sufficient grace, and tomorrow His mercies are new.  So good to know for I am deeply in need of both.  Then again, aren't we all? I guess I'm just walking a road that makes me keenly aware of it and maybe this awareness isn't such a bad thing.