Promises

"Where can I go from your spirit, where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there...if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you. The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 137: 7-14

I haven't updated recently...the pace of life picked up significantly just following Dad's diagnosis...researching doctors, trying to find the best of the best and make sure insurance covers the best...insurance paperwork, FMLA paperwork, short-term disability insurance, cancer insurance, meals scheduled, homework accomplished, tests taken, laundry done and house clean, leaving town for a week, etc. Had a teacher who thought cancer wasn't a good enough reason to turn in a late assignment which cost me an entire letter grade. Not kidding. Pfew! Honestly so much has gone on that it has been a feat of will to just put one foot in front of the other and accomplish things at times but I have to say that in all honesty, I don't feel overwhelmed.

I have had moments of crying like I've not cried before and moments of pure numbness that make it difficult to be myself. Thank God for a husband who is kind and longsuffering...he has been loving and supportive, cried with me, held us all and his patience has been a steady source of consistency. Friends have brought meals and that has been an immense blessing to my parents...the visits, well wishes, emails, cards and plants have been constant encouragement, too.

Today Dad is waiting for a cat scan and still in considerable pain. It has been 2 weeks and 1 day since surgery but recovery takes months. It can take 6-8 weeks to resume a normal diet after this intense of a surgery. At this point Dad is supposed to have a port surgically inserted Friday in preparation for chemo. It's like a borrage of medical treatment for him...hardly enough time to catch a breath before the next procedure. He wants so much to attack this thing and be done with it but the process is really quite painful, exhausting and stressful. Concern over bills and expenses looms as the medical expenses pile up and claim forms are sent back and forth.

The oncologist has recommended 6 months of chemotherapy and was very positive about DAd's prognosis. Dad will be meeting with a specialist in GI Cancers at University of Colorado Cancer Centers. We'll see what he has to say and then go from there.

We appreciate your prayers, your encouragement and your practical help. Please continue to pray for my parents...for wisdom in which treatments to focus on and pursue, which doctor to trust and work with primarily, pain relief and patience. Mostly, please pray that this will be an opportunity for our family to draw closer to the Lord and to know Him better as we grow in faith and trust. When all is said and done, that's all we really have anyway.

Live from Las Vegas... well, mostly alive...the kids didn't sleep well last night :) ,

Thea

Day 3 AM Update

Look at that handsome stud!!! That, my friends...is strength, compassion and self-sacrifice all rolled up into the best hugger I know. :) Joshuah & I like to call him Dad...my kids call him Papa and mom calls him Kirb.

Just a quick update this AM....Dad was up all night. He has an epidural for pain, however, the medication causes him to itch uncontrollably...not like a little itching which is common with the narcotics but intense itching from the inside out. They have offered medication to counteract the effects but it isn't working so they turned down the pain medication which leaves him less itchy but in pain...it's a tough balance to find. The doctor mentioned they can try another medication so we are praying they will do that quickly. He can't eat or drink and his roommate has been feasting so I'm sure that adds to the frustration of recovery.

Please pray they will find a pain medication balance that will keep him comfortable and able to rest and relax. Pray for his roommate to be courteous. Please also pray for his recovery to be quick and for no other issues...they are concerned about pneumonia setting in as his pain levels have made it impossible for him to get up and move. He's doing breathing exercises to help prevent any pneumonia.

Thanks so much for taking the time to pray for Dad.

T

Cancer sucks...day 2

Well, this new reality has settled with us all a bit. Then it unsettles and we all cry a lot...and then we find faith and look ahead with hope knowing that God has been mericful in letting this be found now, before it got worse.

This morning mom and dad went to the hospital and met with a doctor. I'm pretty sure dad left the meeting with the surgeon a little nauseated and nervous and understandably so. About 1 1/2 feet was removed from his colon as well as the surrounding lymph nodes and the tumor which was about the size of a tangerine. He didn't see any areas of concern in the liver or surrounding areas and said the lymph nodes didn't give him any indication for concern although they will be sent to pathology for testing along with everything else. At this point the initial diagnosis is Stage II colon cancer. When I left the hospital he had a fever and was struggling with the reaction to the pain medication. The pathology results will confirm all of the doctor's preliminary thoughts in a few days which will give us the info necessary to form a plan (chemo, etc.). The surgeon was pleased and said there were no surprises...we are so grateful for that.

When we got to the hospital dad had just gone into surgery so we spent several hours sitting with mom...it was nice to just sit and talk and discuss together. After the surgeon came out to talk to us I think we both regained an appetite and grabbed a little dinner before meeting dad upstairs; nobody was allowed in recovery. I could tell he was uncomfortable; he is allergic to his pain meds and the benadryl and nubain weren't helping the itching so they are working on that. He was obviously uncomfortable but of course, concerned for us and not wanting anyone to worry about him. He was touched about all of the kind comments everyone has had about him and all of the prayers...it means so much more than anyone knows.

It's amazing how, when you find yourself in the thick of things, people show up to offer support and love...that's what life is about. No amount of money, level of comfort or sense of accomplishment can rival the value of relationships...family and friends carry with them the weight of eternity, memories and largely define where we fit in the world.

I appreciate you...my family appreciates you...every prayer, every kind comment is a blessing in a way you cannot understand. Thank you for covering dad with prayer and encouraging him with love and laughter.

We do not yet know what road will be ahead but we do know that we will walk it together.

I'll update as much as possible here.

Thea

Cancer sucks

Have you ever met my dad? He's fun...funny...all about his family. Committed...hard working. He has a great laugh and the lines in his cheeks when he smiles (like a real smile) make his smile contagious. Everyone loves him.

This is a post I don't want to write...not sure how to write...and am too tired to write. Still, somehow, writing gives me some peace since I can sort through thoughts and articulate them in a way that I can leave them on the page and relax.

Today I woke up to the sounds of kids talking in their bedroom and Eric getting ready for work...a normal day. I had homework, a few tests and a lab to complete which felt a little impossible. I knew Dad was having a colonoscopy this morning; something he wasn't fond of and has been putting off for a while after years of stomach problems and pain. The past few days it has occurred to me "what if he has cancer?" and I dismissed it really thinking it couldn't be...but it kept coming up and there has been a part of me that was expecting it. I felt guilty for 'expecting' it and set it all aside.

This afternoon I ran upstairs to grab my phone and computer so I could study for a test. I saw that I had a voice mail and immediately I knew. I didn't want to check the message or see who had called...I knew it was from mom.

I dialed and listened and it was too uninformative of a voice mail to not be bad...she doesn't usually leave messages just for the sake of saying nothing...after a few texts we finally got on the phone...

"What'd the doctor say?"

"They found a tumor...it's cancer"

"I don't know why...but I knew it"

"Me too"

What do you say??? How do you respond?? How do you soak it in?? How do you get on the phone without hysterically crying? So many questions and so few answers. Dad got in the car with mom and I heard him in the background making jokes and complaining about the procedure...he said if he had chemo and lost his hair he'd be devastated lol (for those who don't know...he's bald ;) ) still, he has promised to tattoo green eyebrows if those go too. I'd venture to guess he doesn't remember telling me that thanks to the medications from the colonoscopy :). The conversation, all in all, was light hearted. I hung up feeling ill.

Colon cancer. Cancer. Cancer of the colon. Surgery. Tumor. Chemo. How do these words relate to our lives now?? I feel angry...at cancer. Angry at the situation. Broken hearted....for my mom, for my dad, my brother...for myself. While I understand that cancer is not a death sentence I also understand it can be uncertain. I can't control it....I can't talk to it, reason with it or make deals with it. I hate that.

My mind feels like it has been racing today - filtering through all the scriptures I know, playing through scenarios, praying for wisdom, grace, healing and mercy...looking at this situation as though it were a movie and not a part of the story that is my family.

Still, aside from all that. I love my family. I deeply love my father...I am his girl...the only one. He has a wife and 1 daughter...and I'm so glad it's me. We're a tight family...things are nuts and we annoy eachother and our lifestyles vary greatly but in the thick of it...when the poop hits the fan...we are always there for eachother. This will be the same - we will laugh, cry and walk together through this journey and the ones that follow.

I called dad back tonight. I didn't have a reason except that it bothered me that I was light hearted with him instead of telling him that I was scared and concerned...that I love him...and that he's not allowed to pretend to be superman all the time. It was a hard but special honest conversation. I didn't have anything to say...I just wanted to talk and be near him. I assured him I was not "all wrapped around the axle" - this is his way of saying 'don't freak out and lose it'. :)

Please pray for us. Nobody wants to walk through this but I am determined to do it well and if anyone walk through this and come out on the other end with some awesome stories to tell - Dad can. He is, after all, stronger than your dad...he can beat up your dad...he can beat up cancer...he loves Jesus and he is Irish. I don't know if there is really a better combo. Cancer sucks...but we will get through this.

Step 1...remove part of his colon tomorrow...and get more information. We don't know what time surgery will be. Probably early -mid afternoon.

Thea

Love them deeply...hold them loosely

In recent months, by way of the internet, I have stumbled across a multitude of stories about families who have children, daddies or mommies with cancer or other terminal illness. I watched the twitter updates as little Layla slowly slipped away at age 2...shallow breaths, not eating or drinking, too weak to lift her head...At times just reading their stories has been overwhelming to me and I have spent many hours through the night or in the midst of my day sobbing & praying and have found myself interceding in their behalf though I've never met them.

The power of the internet to communicate these stories is wonderful and the way it brings people to prayer is pretty amazing. As a wife and mom of 3 young children I get a lump in my throat knowing that cancer, death and disease know no limits and that any one of us is susceptible. My imagination is pretty vivid and I have to be careful not to think too far ahead. Still, I know that God is faithful and I believe that His plan is good. Ultimately I have to make a choice to trust that and believe that it is enough.


I have found myself posing questions and begging God...quite literally....to not let my children ever become sick....to protect us....to please not let me ever bury one of them or soothe them as they slip away. Sadly, this is not an impossibility. While even the thought of losing a child or my husband nauseates me I am learning to choose to hold them loosely, love them more deeply and serve them better. I hope that it won't take cancer to make me a better wife....a better mom...or a better friend. My children and my husband belong to the Lord...they are a gift to me and not mine to keep...this is SO hard for me to remember. I act so often as though they are mine indefinitely...and I know this isn't true.


This is Zac...he's 33 and 10 months ago was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. He is home and on hospice care...praying for a miracle and planning to leave his wife and boys behind. I hope his short video encourages you...it's worth the few minutes to watch.

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

Thea

Politics and Jesus

Random thoughts here...

I've seen a variety of responses via facebook and twitter over the recent healthcare craziness. Some claiming it's a sign of the end-times, others claiming we should just stop being upset and be kind and loving as Christians and still others encouraging people to vote this year and in 2012 to oust the dictators from office. Pfew! What a peanut gallery to sort through!

Sorry to say I don't have "the answer" on how to respond but I think there are a few important ideas here to consider...1) Jesus will be here eventually whether sooner or later so keeping that in mind is always important 2) Love is not displayed in niceties but in compassion, truth, forgiveness, patience, kindness, etc. So by my estimation there is nothing wrong with honestly saying that this bill is unconstitutional, full of things nobody has yet to lay eyes on and could easily bankrupt our country. Those are three things that are cause for great concern and affect EVERY American young or old, rich, poor, etc.

I think it's important to be good stewards of this gift we have in freedom. To not squander the efforts of those who have gone before us to insure we have these freedoms. That, I think, is godly and full of character and integrity.

Maybe it's more in the delivery and the process than in the disagreement. So, I am exercising my current freedom, as an American and a Christian, to say that this bill is the worst in my lifetime to date and the administration who put it in place is failing miserably at representing the majority of the American population. It's sad and sometimes frightening. Still, I can only do my part and trust God for the rest....and so can you.

Let's be faithful with this gift of freedom and honorable to all those who gave it to us as well as the one who holds it all in His hands and sees tomorrow. It's our right...and our responsibility.

Many men, women...fathers...mothers...daughters and sons have sacrificed. Grandparents have lost grandchildren and children. Children have lost parents. It's our job to be sure their loss and their gift wasn't for nothing. To honorably serve, to look also to the needs of others and not just to our own needs. To speak the truth, in love. These are all godly things & to sit idly by would be a grave mistake. It is my hope that in the wake of this, America will still be the land of the free and the home of the brave. Of course whether that rings true is fully up to us.

Olivia Belongs to Jesus

About 2 weeks ago we were dropping Eric off at work in the morning and I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to talk to Olivia about Jesus living in her heart. I have to be honest, I didn't expect that and I didn't know what to say. We had a brief and somewhat uninteresting discussion..she didn't seem too interested so I just left it where it was and figured it would come up again eventually.

Fast forward 1 week later...little Layla Grace was becoming a regular topic of discussion in our home and we had been praying for her for some time. As she grew weaker our discussions changed and many new topics were broached. Olivia walked into Levi's nursery one night while I was praying...face down...crying...and a blubbery mess. Hmmm...how do I explain this to a 3 year old? She seemed concerned that I was crying and we discussed how sometimes when we pray and believe God for something we can feel so strongly that tears are the only way to express those strong emotions. As Layla grew weaker still I talked with Olivia about how God sometimes heals us by fixing our bodies here, on the Earth, and other times He heals our bodies by giving us a new one. She seemed intrigued by that. Still, she remembered multiple times a day to ask Jesus to "please make Layla's body so that it isn't broken anymore and that she won't be afraid" (her words).

There is a worship song by Kathryn Scott called "I belong". The lyrics simply say
"I belong, I belong to you...I belong...I belong to you. Nothing can take me from your great love, forever this truth remains...." When I was praying for Layla and her family this song ministered to my heart...reminding me that no matter what, here or in Heaven, NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. Nothing can separate my little ones from the love of God...nothing could separate Layla from His love...it remains the same, constant and unchanged...in life and in death. His love holds our hand as we walk through trouble and heartache...it holds our hearts in uncertainty...and it holds us when what we face we do not understand.

I sang the song over and over and the girls sang it with me...in the car, while cooking, folding laundry. It's a simple chorus and means so much.

Today as we drove to pick up Eric from work, Liv said "Mommy sing the forever song" I had no idea what she was talking about. Eventually we came around to her singing "forever your love remains" and I understood what she was talking about. I sang with her as her brother and sister napped and a sweet spirit settled over us in the van with our worship. After a while of singing she smiled and looked at me in the mirror...

"Liv, do you know who mommy belongs to?"

"Daddy"

"Yes...but more than that Mommy belongs to Jesus...Do you know why?"

"Yes"

"Mommy belongs to Jesus because I asked him to live in my heart...I belong to Him now and forever"

"I asked him to live in my heart, too"

"You did? What did you say to him?"

"Ummmm...."

"We just ask him by saying, Jesus...please come live in my heart....be the Lord of my life...help me to know you and love you and obey all the things you tell me to do"

unprompted, she repeated the prayer after me.

She started singing the simple chorus again and I sang with her...and cried...as we drove down the highway - we talked about how special it is to ask Jesus to live inside of us and that she belongs to Jesus...how much He loves her and that He will always protect her. I reminded her how Layla went to Heaven to be with Jesus and that now, she too, would go to Heaven some day and maybe she could meet Layla there :).

Such a special time...driving down the highway....with all the other drivers none the wiser. It's amazing how eternal moments happen while others continue on with daily lives, phone calls and conversations. I'm so glad my minivan, complete with toys and old french fries isn't too humble for the presence of God.

I feel humbled and blessed by the sweet presence of the Lord in our home, our car, and our lives today.

Thea