The J Family 4!

I haven't done photos in a LOOOONG time. I love taking pictures and really enjoy the whole process but once school started my time was so limited I just haven't been able to. I've turned down more doula clients and photography opportunities in the last year than ever...go figure! In any case I was able to take photos for a friend a week ago and wanted to share a few. I don't have updated equipment or stellar software but they have a beautiful family!! Hope you enjoy a few of my faves.

Pregnancy & other worthwhile things

I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy....not too much longer to go (I hope!) until we meet our sweet baby. He is moving everywhere...I don't remember having a baby this active ever during a pregnancy!! I can't wait to meet him and see what all those squirms, kicks and rolls look like in person :). That being said I'm getting more and more uncomfortable.
I'm enjoying pregnancy and having bittersweet emotions knowing that this is likely our last pregnancy and the completion of our family. We feel so blessed. Not long after I experience the overflow of emotions that come with intense gratefulness the nausea kicks in...seems like all of the sudden the past week or two it has really picked up again. Not fun. I also have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel that is bad enough that my fingers and palm are tingly or numb about 80% of the time...and sometimes they ache from my fingers to my elbow. My nose is wider, which I hate, but it goes away after pregnancy...and my back aches at times. These are all common complaints of pregnancy and many women experience them. In some odd way I feel privileged to walk this road of discomfort knowing that many have walked it graciously before me. The end result is life. Consider that for a moment; babies have been born for centuries...you and I were babies at one point...but to have life conceived in love, grown in travail and birthed in labor to bring forth promise, hope and God's personal creation is awesome in the most descript nature of the word.

How often do we walk roads which present unkind and uncomfortable side-effects and question whether we are walking where we "should" be walking?? How many times do we count ourselves blessed only when our lives present material comfort, beauty and relational warmth? This thinking, it seems, is so backward....more often than not, our discomfort in the midst of serving the Lord or working toward a goal is confirmation that we are on the right track!!

Today, in the midst of my discomfort I have an odd joy...I feel blessed not because I have no symptoms of pregnancy...but because the symptoms of pregnancy serve to remind me that I am indeed carrying a healthy, growing baby who carries within him the promise of tomorrow, the potential to know the Father and reflect His glory and who houses within himself all God has gifted him with to do great things. Perspective is everything!!

Too short...too tall...too busy...too fat...too small...

...It's quiet for a little bit which means my mind has had a chance to consider some things that have popped in and out of my thought process over the past few weeks...

For the time being I'm not taking any classes. I haven't done this in about 3 years. In the past 3 years we have sold a home, moved to the east coast and back twice due to company closures, etc. lost family members, welcomed a baby and are expecting another, I've completed 3 years of college, and we've walked through cancer and chemotherapy with my Dad. Those are the big things that stick out at the moment. So...as you can imagine, it's been a while since I've really had time to think, to invest in relationships, to interact with many more people than my husband and my children.

Now I have all summer and fall to be home with no classes! At first it was strangely uncomfortable being home. I had lots to do but still I felt as though I wasn't doing much. While it has been a lot of work, this has not been the difficult part of this journey...not the schedules, not being up with sick kids the night before a test or even the many hospital and house visits during the sickest of my Dad's chemo days.

For me, it has been most difficult and debilitating to feel the pressure of the judgment of others. "You're amazing." "You're crazy" "You're a great mom" "Do you ever see your kids?" "Wow, you're pregnant again??" and all that falls between are comments I've heard related to kids, school, pregnancy, moving, you name it. Sadly, many times I have looked for affirmation and security in how I measure up to those around me and in their opinion of me...what are other moms doing? How are their families functioning and do their children thrive? Am I too busy? Should I be home more? Lots of lost sleep...and lots of lost joy over these and other related ponderings.

And now that I am home all the time I find myself in a similar position wondering similar thoughts. I sometimes wonder about the judgment of others, their opinions and whether I measure up? Do they think I'm crazy for working out so much this far into my pregnancy or am I really not working hard enough? Are we sending our daughter to the right school? Should I home school like my friends? Do I look like the sloppy pregnant girl I feel like some days? Should I be more_____ (fill in the blank) or less_____??

Really the situations are worlds apart but the heart is the same. I have reminded myself many times of the verse:

"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise." -2 Corinthians 10:12

It's human nature to look around and find our worth in how we measure up to others. What a simple and destructive lie.

It seems such a simple lesson and here I am, at 30, reminding myself of all the reasons I should never compare myself to others. It destroys my ability to truly love because when I compare myself I selfishly size up others' abilities, gifts, talents and status in order to gain security...it destroys my ability to be a good friend, it destroys my trust that God has made me with every thing I need in order to play a role in accomplishing His perfect purpose on the earth and that this task, accomplishing His purposes, is the single thing of worth I have to truly give myself to in this life.

When we stop comparing ourselves to those around us there is such a sweet sense of freedom and the lightness of a clean conscience. There's more room for pondering things that matter and extra space for loving those around us. On the flip side, when we no longer compare others to our standard of living, doing, driving, socializing, parenting, etc. We are free to love them where they are in their own lives and also free to not feel belittled when we have the luxury of knowing someone who has a better way of doing things that we can learn from!

Perhaps you've already made this journey...maybe this isn't one of your hangups or something you've seen in yourself but for me it has been. I didn't even realize it for the longest time. :) I guess age and time bring good perspective! I can only imagine what the next 10 years will reveal.

I am so glad for the grace of the Lord in my life, gently leading me. And for the reminders he gives along the way of his love.

With that in mind...I hear little yawns from the next room...my pondering time is over :)

Thea

Slow blog...or no blog

I've become a worse and worse blogger over time!! I guess more inconsistent is more like it. You'd think with school out and summer fun on my plate I'd be able to eek out a little blog time!!! Trouble is, my inspiration to write is a little more involved than blogland allows for...that and all the friends who used to read my blog regularly don't check it so much because there's really not much to check :) Sorry!!

I hope you're all having a great summer. We sure are! Here's the "Top 10 things (I can think of right now) happening in the Smith household" update:

1 - We're having a baby....I'm so ready to meet him but not sure I'm ready to have a newborn in the casa just yet. I'm sure his arrival will be perfect timing :)

2 - Liv starts kindergarten in 3 1/2 weeks...she is incredibly excited...I'm excited too, and a little sad. It's only half days 4 days a week and I think I can handle that. I know she'll do so well and the school she's attending is fabulous which makes me even more excited for her :)

3 - Levi is walking, talking and fearless...the boy will climb up, down or on anything and he is just as precious as he can possibly be...full of cuddles, "wub u's" and giggles. He is a delight and we are loving this stage. I know the long trend has been "terrible two's" but I loooove 1 1/2 - 3 years....I think about 3 is where the light switch has flipped with the girls and things got a little crazy for a bit...maybe it will be different with the boys. Fave phrases include (translated): "Hey dude!" "Read a book" "Hold me....hold me....hooooolllddd mmeeee" "Hello" "Come on!" "Ni-night" and "Plie" ...yes, he does a plie and likes to say it when he does the plie...his sisters took ballet and have roped him into pretend ballet school :)

4 - Eric is doing great at work and we are so blessed for him working for a great company. His hard work is evident in his successes. Love him. :)

5 - We don't have a name for our baby...we don't even have a short list...we live on different name planets when it comes to boys , lol.

6 - I heart Zumba. My endurance is shrinking but I really enjoy it - it boosts my mood, I feel better when I work out and I know the benefits to my body are wonderful so I'm trying to hang in there until I simply can't do it anymore...then I'll take to the pool. A God-send to women in the third trimester.

7 - Evelyn is perfect. Ok not totally 100% all the time but really - just the most precious girl. Her newest bedtime request is "looots of kisses" "Mommy give me lots of kisses...." "No, lots and lots" followed by "Mommy lots of eskimos" "Mommy lots of butterfly kisses on my nose....now let me do your nose!" It's a long tucking-in but I'm eating it up. I know it won't last forever :) She's pretty excited about the baby in my belly and no matter how many times we discuss it or she asks how the baby will come out of my belly she is convinced the belly button is his exit. Works for me.

8 - Date night is tonight. I loooove date night. Can't wait to talk, sit quietly together, people watch and laugh. I love our time together.

9 - I have rediscovered a love for apples and almond butter - so yummy.

10 - My house is clean. Well...it was super duper clean this morning and last night. Then we woke up and then our little ones woke up :) ....but in general, clean.

Have a lovely weekend...I'll be blogging again soon!
Thea

On hand holding....

When I initially decided to go back to school it never occurred to me that patient experiences in school would have as much impact on my view of medicine, nursing and life as they have. A few, in particular, will never leave my memory.

Today I was reminded of a man I cared for some time ago...he was about my father's age and hospitalized. Some of his organs were failing and he was experiencing some forgetfulness and confusion about where he was and why. I was assigned to him and after looking at his chart I approached his room which was somewhat busy...I stood in the doorway watching the lab tech take his blood. It occurred to me that she may think he was completely dilusional when I realized she was ignoring him and not answering his questions. He was crying out in pain and completely ignored... Some of her practices were questionable and the way in which she went about her procedure suggested little care for this patient. I felt defensive of him and wanted to say something to her but...as a nursing student it isn't likely it would have carried much weight or helped the patient. Another gentleman approached me from the hall and asked if this patient was Mr. M, the man he was looking for. I acknowledged it was and suggested we wait until those attending him had finished their task.

Shortly thereafter we walked in together and I greeted Mr. M and let him know who I was and that I'd be assessing him today. I also mentioned that his friend, and pastor, was here for a visit. Mr. M's eyes welled up with tears at the sight of his friend, whom he readily recognized. He looked up at me from his bed, face full of relief, and said "we've been friends for 40 years...our kids grew up together....he's a true friend" The pastor chatted with Mr. M and then asked if I wouldn't mind that they prayed...I assured him I'd love to join them and that it would be fine. The tears continued to flow as they prayed and the sweetest presence of the Lord filled an otherwise empty and rather stark hospital room. I had a hard time holding back my own tears....when the prayer was over, Mr. M looked up at me and asked if I was a believer...I told him I was and he cried again. He went on to share how grateful he was...how alone he had been and how scared and yet how overwhelmed at the goodness of God for bringing other believers to his bedside so he wouldn't have to walk this road alone. I held his hand and listened to stories about his children and shortly thereafter the confusion set in again...just as quickly as it seemed to have lifted. "Where am I? I mean...which hospital?" he asked.... "Oh, yes...how long have I been here?" My heart sank knowing that his prognosis wasn't good and at the same time I was comforted by the reminder of a very personal and very loving God...one who will cross the depths to reach us...even just one of us...where we are. Mr. M's tear-stained eyes will never leave my memory, and I hope some day I can greet him again...with a restored body and mind. I'm so grateful to have shared in the work God had in mind that day...it was much more than listening to hearts and lungs, that's for certain! I hope that in my journey to care for others as a profession, I never become callous or too busy to truly care for patients. A difficult task, no doubt.

Open letter to Mr. Camping

Dear Mr. Camping,

When I first started seeing billboards and hearing of your May 21 prediction I was surprised. Not only that someone would openly predict and publicize the rapture but also that someone with such influence who has spent many years studying the Bible would assume such a position. I was annoyed...wondering who you thought you were in light of the fact that the Bible openly states that Jesus does not know the date or hour...did you think the Father would reveal this to you and that somehow, Jesus had missed this in his study of the scriptures while on the earth? I was, and am, fearful for you...I wonder what it will be like to give an account to the Lord on the true judgment day, for your misleading of many. Assuming to be a self-appointed preacher, teacher and prophet. How does one give account for the dashed hopes and faith which was placed into a prediction and self-preservation instead of Jesus? While I still am baffled that you continue to change your dates and adjust your theories instead of humbly bowing out of the prediction game, I am concerned for you. I wonder what the heart of God is toward you considering the many who are bewildered, confused and angry that they have put their hope in May 21, stopped paying bills, camped out far away from society waiting only to be left behind...but not by Jesus. They were left behind by you, by your prediction and by your obvious lack of compassion. They were left behind by society and some by their families. Now they have the dubious task of putting their lives back together and deciding what Christianity is really about...and whether it is worth their time to explore it further.

In spite of all this, Jesus loves you and welcomes you with open arms and no regard for your sin because his intent is to forgive it. You see, the rapture and judgment day are not about doom and gloom and the death of many. They are about life, hope, justice and the true King setting things straight. I believe he will return for me and the rest of his church...but not so that we can escape his terrible judgment of many...he will come back for me because he loves me. When he does, he will set things right and take his rightful place as King. Until then, I want to learn to live in faith...because he is already King. The fact that others don't recognize this or live their lives in response doesn't alter its truth. The fact that he delays his return is proof of his great compassion...because it is his will that none should perish.

It is my prayer and my great hope that you will wield whatever influence you still have to guide people not to any certain date and that you would use your energy on this earth not for your own preservation or to understand the dates you have calculated out based on Biblical events and your personal interpretation of our western translation of scripture...but that you would point people to Jesus. What a perfect love story...you made a poor choice, misled many...but he still loves you and not any less than he did years ago. That, is a true testimony.

I for one, am grateful...many of my poor choices could have been publicized, but they were not. I have sinned and made poor choices at the expense of others...and it has cost me and them. You and I are similar in that way...and believing the grace of God is true for you reminds me that it is true for me.

Thank you, Mr. Camping, for this reminder. God ALWAYS works things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. For that, I am so grateful.

Shake your groove thang...

So today was the day...spring semester has come to a close, morning sickness is still a daily thing but more here and there than all day yuckiness...kiddos were wanting to get out and run around so we headed to the gym... I had dropped kids off, put my things in a locker and made it upstairs by 10:50. Just in time for the 11AM zumba class...so I figured...why not?? Zumba....yes, zumba it is. If I'm being honest there was a minor moment of terror,...what if I couldn't keep up??? What if I looked ridiculous?? Do pregnant bellies Zumba??

The class was pretty full and I immediately gravitated to the corner that seemed like it was filled with ladies who were trying to hide...and when I chatted with them to share my "First timer" status and gained a little confidence I migrated to the middle side of the room...seemed a little better than hiding in back and not quite as bad as standing in front the first go around. Plus the "hiding" corner...in the very back by the exit...was kind of packed.

The music was fun, the instructor was great, the moves were not complicated, well, for the most part, and it was so great! The lady next to me quickly asked if I had a heart rate monitor..you know, in my condition... :) I didn't and I think she was worried lol. A few songs into the workout I was really winded and tired...geez!! Maybe it's going by faster than I thought...er...maybe not...we're 15 minutes in. Hmm....ok so I will either be hanging in there or ducking out early. Fortunately I got into a good groove and I was feeling pretty good and having fun...right about that time the lady next to me gave me a few pointers on how to do the steps. Hmm. I felt like this was one of the easier routines...do I really look that bad? Lame. No time to stress it though b/c there's a new song and I know nothing about zumba. The hour passed really fast and by the end I had a beat red face and was in much need of a cool-down and some watah!!!

I'll be back, ladies!! If you see a mamma shakin it with a baby on board it just might be me!! So if you've been avoiding trying it, come to my class...at least there's entertainment value :)

T