The ache...the heartache that starts in the pit of your stomach and extends to the lump in your throat and the tightness of your jaw and temples. The longing....for what cannot be and what will not change. The lack of words....and overwhelming number of thoughts. Moments to experience what should have extended into a lifetime.
Grief. Loss. Books like "When saying hello means goodbye". Guilt. Deep sadness. Tears. Ugly sobs. Helpless. Wanting to be hopeful. Choosing trust. Breathing. Searching for something else to look at, think of, wonder about.
Two weeks ago we had our first trimester screen. E & I watched with smiles and joy as our little one moved around, playing with his hands and wiggling her legs. The flicker of her heartbeat gave me peace that we had come to the end of the first trimester safely. We left with photos and relief after having experienced a miscarriage in December and another in March. The blood-work came back perfect with no markers for chromosomal defects. Relief.
We were packing, moving, loading a truck and unloading, transitioning to a new company for E, crib shopping....then one night I had a little bleeding. It stopped quickly and I thought little of it after the initial worry. I waited a few days until my appointment. The kids and I went together as it was a quick appointment....the doppler didn't pick up heart tones but it's still early...I just wasn't worried.
The ultrasound doppler was placed on my belly as the kids played, talked and read books in the exam room....I stared at the motionless baby and my midwife searched for the flicker that was so obvious in the past....and there was no flicker. I felt helpless...I prayed...I felt sickness wash over me...no blood flow, no words from the midwife or sonographer....no heartbeat. Just "I'm so sorry."
I left and sobbed uncontrollably on the phone trying to tell my husband what had happened, questioning everything and not wanting to believe what I had seen. I felt so helpless...wanting to see a flicker, holding out hope, waiting for it to appear, wondering if it were even possible for it to be hidden and knowing it was not.
We went to the hospital that night and were admitted to deliver....the following morning things moved quickly and we met our baby. The nurses were compassionate and kind...and we spent some time with our sweet girl. "She's perfect." my midwife told me. Which added to my confusion. I felt guilty that something I had done or not done had perhaps changed her chances at life with our family. We named our baby Aimee Noelle....Aimee meaning loved...and Noelle because she was due around Christmas. I have never loved the name Aimee but knowing that calling her name is calling her beloved...by me, by us, by our family...I treasure.
As if the delivery were not enough a retained placenta sent me to surgery two hours later. I just wanted to go home...hold my babies...and go to sleep.
There are no words...except to say I long for my sweet loved girl. I ache for her to grow...for her heart to beat and for her to be welcomed as a Christmas gift into our family and I ache to know it will never happen. I ache to know that women are lied to ...being told that little ones this gestation are mere clusters of cells...her perfect fingers and toes, sweet face and everything else were perfectly knit together and so very precious.
I said to Aimee... "I love you"...."I believe God is good...and He can be trusted"...."I know I can hold onto the hope that I will hold you, kiss you, tell you of my love some day."
For today my heart is raw... With time, memories, photos and details will etch their way into my being and into our family and Aimee will be a special part of our family forever....with time the rawness will give way to reality and settle with us. With time, we will see her again.
Sweet Aimee, I love you. I am so so sorry. Know you were so very wanted and will be so very deeply missed. You will always be part of our family and I cannot wait to hold you, hug you, kiss you, tell you of your preciousness to me again.
Mommy
Friday, July 5, 2013
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5 comments:
Oh Thea....I'm so so sorry. I know from my own experiences that there is nothing to say that can change the grief you're experiencing. But I confirm that, yes, you will hold sweet David one day and know him. I have no idea what that looks like but I do know that our God is sovereign and good and that He has good plans for your sweet little, growing family!! We love you guys.
Oh, Thea, I am so sorry. I know that momma's heart that will never stop asking the how's, why's and what could have beens, all the while, trusting the One who gave them life in the first place. I cry for you, and for your momma heart that wants to protect your babies at all costs, but is powerless to do so. I don't know how people go through this without that Blessed Hope and the grace that is provided, but I pray for that grace to cover you send your sweet family.
"And" your sweet family.
Thea, your words touched my heart. What a sweet tribute to your little David. I am so sorry about all of the loss you have had this year, it is heartbreaking. What a shock that there was nothing wrong with him. So glad you have hope in the Lord and that is so evident in this post!
Thank you so so much :) This has been a heartbreak that was much greater than I had imagined. Having others carry the burden with me makes it so much better. I cannot wait to see him...hold him...touch him again. Soon enough. :)
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